Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
