I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
