No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
