so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
