I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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