I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize