I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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