I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
