Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
