saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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