she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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