my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
