Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
