I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
