I didn't shave. On purpose
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
