I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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