I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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