Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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