I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
It's official drugs can't kill me
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
