Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
