My liver just broke up with me...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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