508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
