oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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