Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
