as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I would fuck him just for his dog
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
My life is pants optional.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
