wanna go halves on a baby?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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