If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
