I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
