he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
