You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
