so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
