It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
