Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
