when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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