And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
