onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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