Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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