Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
