can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
