Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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