Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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