mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
