I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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