I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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