I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
