Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
