Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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