I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i wish my penis had a tongue
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
