she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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