If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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