Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
