I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
