I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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