It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
