guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
