She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
