when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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